The Alibis

Comic Genius? No, it’s just Gareth.

Hey hey Ali-cats and Ali-kittens, your friendly neighbourhood Frontman here, to finally put another blog together, in answer to the thunderous round of indifference that my thoughts usually merit from my loyal devotees. 

Been a while since you’ve heard anything from any of us, so I decided to put, erm, fingers to keyboard and whip together a cheeky blog enlightening you as to our whereabouts over the past few months. 

Rob has been experimenting with socialising, which I hear a lot of the kids do nowadays. Dangerous stuff. He has been spotted in local bar Brauhaus, telling anyone dumb enough to listen (and several people trying desperately not to) that 1) he was the lead singer in the Verve 2) City were robbed by every shadowy organisation known to man and 3) he honestly isn’t becoming a Hearts fan, he just religiously watches all their matches and cheers all their goals this season (yes, both of them). 

In addition to this, musically he appears to be revelling in his role as the only guitarist in the band, and I think his band-mates would all agree that he is playing at his absolute best just now. He indicates his boundless and incredibly uninfectious enthusiasm via a serious of imperceptible head nods and the occasional pelvic thrust. 

With the world on the brink of warfare, Jan has been busy deviously manipulating the major world powers – G8 governments, the UN, multi-national business conglomerates and Dot Cotton from Eastenders – into carrying out his nefarious schemes, in preparation for when he takes over running things, and, frankly, sorts it all out. If he could start with fixture congestion we would all be grateful. A ban on Hollyoaks and people saying “whatever” would also be imperative. 

Jan continues to excel in his dual role as eye candy at Union of Genius, and Chief Executive Officer of The Alibis. He has numerous confirmed kills in both roles. Jan has been organising a steady series of gigs for the band, none of which we have been able to play, but continues to take our refusal in good grace, and anyway, my bruises have nearly healed, although I will never sport a functioning erection again. 

Amy is still ladling out soup in Union of Genius by day, and crawling bars picking up drunken businessman by night. Her choice of vehicle is now a giant motorised top-hat, which lures in unsuspecting bystanders by playing the music of 5ive, before she pounces, grabbing innocents and forcing them to speak The Queen’s English until their heads explode like that off the sinister (but erotically-charged) Nazi Doctor at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. 

Amy continues to function as the closest thing The Alibis have to a voice of reason and sanity, and her drumming is sounding exceptionally good these days, particularly on Move Aside once she remembers which song that actually is. She continues to tell me I’m her favourite Alibi, which indicates the loss of some form of bet in her recent past. 

As for me? I am currently suffering from a wrist injury (no jokes please, I’ve heard them all) which has robbed the world of music of my unique and most unladylike guitar stylings. I am now attempting the swaggering frontman schtick, which I’m told closely resembles the “drunken buffoon” schtick. Ho-hum. 

Comics-wise I am currently reading and recommending ProphetThe Walking Dead, FataleHawkeyeX-Factor and Transformers: More Than Meets The Eye. All of these books are uniformly excellent, and should be read at once (well, after this blog, which pisses them out the water). Get on Neil Gaiman’s old Sandman series as well. 

Oh, just as a wee aside – The Alibis have made the final of the IPA battle of the Bands in Edinburgh. The final is on Wednesday 24thApril, and it would be lovely to have you all there cheering us on. A chance to see some excellent local indie/alternative/punk bands, knock back a couple of beverages and compliment me on my awesomeness? Too good to turn down, isn’t it? 

See ya on the flipside,

G-Funk

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